Editor's Note: Eileen Grimes is an author/astrologer based in Seattle, WA. Her latest journal entry is dated October 9, 2012.Saturn's final stand: Facing the fear, and doing it anyway.
A conversation recently heard between Saturn and Eileen:
Saturn (on August 10, 2011): So, you’re still here. How did you think you did?
Eileen: Pretty decent, and I think I got it.
Saturn: Oh really? Do tell.
EIleen: I got rid of a lot of old fantasies, and really now know what its like to work for my goals. Feel pretty stable.
Eileen: You don’t seem impressed.
Saturn: I would, but you’re not getting it. What are you still afraid of?
Eileen: Oh ...uh...
Oh, indeed. After my return was over in August of 2011, I felt solid, at peace, and competent. I worked hard to prove to myself during the Christmas holidays at my job that I could exceed my previous sales goals for that time of the year. And I did. I bested my own sales figured by a considerable amount.
I felt like I had accomplished something. Or so I thought.
After Christmas, though, it all crashed and burned. Aside from the fact that I had worked my tail off, I was exhausted and needed a lot of rest. After a month, I felt better, but in the meantime, I completely lost my drive at my job. I didn’t care anymore. I could produce results, and I had, but after all of that was over, it was empty. Something was greatly missing. During the first half of 2012, I started to slip downhill. I could feel it was a matter of time before I was fired, and believe me I knew I was setting it up so that would happen. It was almost as though my Saturn return was happening AFTER the actual return was over!
I kept wondering if I had really done any work during my Saturn return. Instead of seemingly having it all together, it felt like life was empty and without purpose. I spent several months retreating and looking at my life, and realized that something was bubbling up from inside me that was going to change everything.
All the years on my feet at my job finally resulted in chronic knee pain - so much so that I found myself taking a leave from work for one month in June of 2012. But more than anything, something was telling me to get clear of that job for a while so I could look at other options. Saturn was telling me to just rest, and figure my life out. And so I DID.And what I found was miraculous - and I found out what this return was all about. It was about facing all my fears - fear of not enough money, fear of failure, fear of making a huge mistake. And after acknowledging them, I could actually see the potential of where I was going.
How do we know when a shift like that occurs? When going back to the status quo is more painful than the fear of the unknown. After my month off, I went back to work for a month. And that’s all it took to make me realize that part of my life was over. I knew it was time to break away, even if there were no guarantees, no way of knowing the future. I still had to do it. Fear or not.
And I did. I left my job in August of 2012. I made a commitment. To myself, and my purpose. And a whole new world is opening up.
Eileen: Well its more than I thought, Mr. S.
Saturn: Sounds like you grew up. Ready to get to work?
Eileen; Yup, I did, and yes, I AM!